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Mar 30, 2010; Phoebe Asks:

Stacey! I have girl-crushes on you and Beyonce. Is there a cure?

Stacey answers:

No.

Mar 26, 2010; About men, again Asks:

Okay, so I'm trying to date nicer men. And I went out on this date with this guy and it was nice. I went on a second date with him and he went way, way, way, overboard. In my opinion, a second date should be, like, beer and darts. But this was a fancy restaurant and entertainment and I'm sure he dropped all kinds of cash. He brought me flowers, for Pete's cheesy sake. And then for reasons I won't go into here, things sort of fell apart at the end and I had to drive him about an hour and a half home. It was a disaster and he apologized to the point of discomfort. So I felt bad and suggested a do-over - this time I insisted on pizza and a movie -- and we actually had a pretty good time. Like, actually a really very nice time. But then he sent me a super goofy text about what a good time he had and wanted to hang out, like, the next day and it just kind of felt like too much. There's showing interest and then there's "love me love me love me." Now, I feel like he calls and texts and messages me to the point of, not stalker-ness, exactly, but pretty darn serious uncoolness. Yesterday he was "in my neighborhood" and texted to hang out, and then texted again that he was going home "but at least he tried" before I even saw the first text. I didn't even have a chance to accept or reject the invitation. It's hard to get excited about someone when you're constantly feeling guilty. The more he calls the less I want to talk to him. But I'm really trying harder to date nicer people who like me and are interested in me but this feels less nice and more like Jesus, guy - Get a life. On some level, I'm aware that the more I pull back the more he freaks out and clings and part of me thinks I could talk him down but - I think he's just trying way too hard and he doesn't even know me that well. I might suck. We've been out 3 times. He doesn't know, you know? And part of me feels for him because I know I've been in his position before where I've totally clung and freaked people out and got ditched (and I understand why I did that now, and I'd never do it again) but understanding the weirdness doesn't make it any more appealing. I'm trying to be all healthy in my relationships but this doesn't feel like it either. What do I do?

Stacey answers:

It sounds confused and confusing. One thing is clear though: he's spazzing out. I'm wondering if your "actually a really very nice time" means somebody got slept with, a little bit? Sometimes guys panic after that--you know, men and their emotions. Still, even with the flowers and all, he doesn't really sound that nice. He did do that weird thing where he got drunk or something and you had to drive him home. So I wouldn't let the nicer man goal cloud your judgment; you just need to see if you can get to know him in a normal way so you can figure out if you like him. I suggest you call him and tell him that he's distracting you with the message barrage, and that you had a nice time on your last date but all you really want to do now is get to know him in a normal way at a reasonable pace, because this is what you're comfortable with. You have a right to be comfortable with men, About men. He's making you uncomfortable, and that's a problem, though I think it's safe to say that he's trying to be romantic, despite the fact that his social radar is defective.

In my opinion, the healthy-relationship thing to do is to give him a clear, firm, friendly message to spaz it down. This way, you give him the opportunity to stop bugging you, and you get to see if he's capable of acting more normal upon request. He may or may not be able to, I don't know. But the clearer you are, the better. Try something like this: "Let's go out next Friday, Mr. Flowers. I can see that you like me but being showered with this much attention at this stage of our friendship makes me nervous. However, I'm fine with seeing you once a week, at the moment, and maybe talking on the phone once too. Or send me a few texts. And then we'll see how it goes."

If he persists after that, you're going to need a restraining order.

Mar 19, 2010; Rusty Brummagem Asks:

cannot discern if my dog really digs me or merely wants another treat....am completely disgusted with everyone I have ever known or presently know...in rejoinder: have pounded 4 beers and will commence with a clean shave and a hot shower...hold little hope that this will in any way alleviate my feelings...have now given up on aforesaid shower/shave...what is the nature of love?

Stacey answers:

Love has many facets but you'll know it because it's umami, which is the Japanese word for the fifth taste, often translated as "brothy" or "savory." Love gives you a warm feeling in your body, though other feelings--fear, hate, flatness, hurt--often come around to spray coldness on the warm until you can't tell what's going on. Interestingly, umami sounds like mommy, which is fitting because all love is on some level mother love, containing echoes of that primary bond, which sucks if you're ambivalent about your mother. And who isn't? Not you, Rusty. Not you.

But here's the good news: your dog loves you. Dogs are descended from wolves, and wolves live in small family groups (not packs, as previously believed). In other words, wolves grow up with a mommy and daddy and siblings, and this social structure is probably what drives the intense social needs of dogs. That's right, your doggie thinks you are his mommy. He wants another treat, sure, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to sleep on your bed and stare at you all day and chew on your underwear and generally soak up your umaminess. The dog loves you. Do you love your dog?

Mar 12, 2010; Aaron Belcher Asks:

Hi Stacey. The other day I bought two orders of fries from In-N-Out burger to share with my kids in the car. I had no container for my share, but I spied a unused Huggie in the door pocket of my Subaru Outback and placed my fries in the diaper. A few minutes later, at a stop light, a fellow motorist witnessed me eating "something" from a Huggie. She looked horrified. Do you think clean disposable diapers are an acceptable emergency dinner plate?

Stacey answers:

Hi Aaron. Thank you for your interesting question. The answer is yes, I do think clean disposable diapers are an acceptable emergency dinner plate, and I applaud your ingenuity. I have long used grocery or other bags as impromptu plates, even though they've been exposed to the germy hand/air/car/world. The trick is to not look out the window at fellow motorists, nor to mention the origin of the "plate" or call attention to your improvisation in any way. If you don't say anything, no one else will say anything. The truth is, the lady in the next car probably didn't notice you were eating French fries out of a diaper. She probably looked horrified because of the conversation she was having on her hands-free phone--or maybe she just always looks horrified. People like to think about themselves, not you, and cars confer a certain amount of privacy, even though some of it is probably just a social convention.

And let's not forget the hygiene hypothesis, which says that too much cleanliness is a problem for the immune system. You gotta challenge that puppy! By this logic, the Huggie is probably way too clean, really, when you get right down to it. I'm sure it's been bleached and sanitized for your protection and whatever.

It might be better, in the long run, to eat directly off the floor.

Feb 19, 2010; Michael Asks:

are you gonna get me for laughing?

Stacey answers:

No! I'm going to get you for ignoring the rules of capitalization.

Feb 15, 2010; One Who Wonders Asks:

Fine, maybe I'm not the greatest writer on earth, maybe I'm a little raw, but I'm not totally pathetic. My teachers say I'm good and my writing group is always impressed by my imagination and depth and verve and stuff. But everything I write is always soundly rejected without even a tiny, scrawled note of encouragement. It wouldn't be so bad, but I know other student writers who seem less accomplished than I am and they sometimes get encouraging notes. Do I just suck?

Stacey answers:

Hi One.

It doesn't sound like you just flat-out suck. You've been encouraged and that's encouraging. But it's possible that the editors you're sending your work to are not really reading it very carefully. Maybe they're not reading it at all. I will now tell you how to get an editor to read your story, so listen up. There are two things you must do. First, write a friendly, engaging, and brief cover letter. Include your accomplishments, if you have some yet, and be yourself, unless you are an asshole, and then try to imitate someone you know who's charismatic and charming. But be brief. Brief. And nice. And friendly and personable. "Dear Nice Editor, I love your magazine. I especially loved the story by Stacey Richter that you published. I'm just starting out as a writer but I'm getting an MFA at U of Uranus. Honestly, I thought this latest story of mine kicked ass, and I wanted you to read it. Here it is. Love, OWW."

The second thing you must do is send your piece in proper manuscript format. This may seem stupid but it's extreeemely important. What this means, among other things, is that you will start your story halfway down the first page. You will double-space. You will include page numbers and a title. A title. A title. Double space. Google "proper manuscript format" for more tips. Otherwise, you will look like an amateur and will be treated as one. A lot of people are offended by this, but it's just a rule, like proper grammar, that helps distinguished the experienced and educated from the beginners/outsiders/whatevers. So give it a try and tell me how it goes.

Feb 08, 2010; Stalkingston Asks:

Wait - do you know Daniyal Mueenuddin? Does he care if you give out his address?

Stacey answers:

No, I don't know him. I got his email address by googling "Daniyal Mueenuddin email," which brought me to his website, where his email address is listed. So I'm not really being wicked, I'm sad to say.

Jan 26, 2010; Kerem Asks:

Hey Stacey I currently live in Istanbul, Turkey and am studying writing, but am thinking of getting master in creative writing somewhere in America. Do you think it will be useful, even if it's in a language I won't be writing in? Thanks, see ya

Stacey answers:

Hi Kerem,

Thanks for asking! I have two answers. One is yes, if you're especially interested in American culture, the English language, and think you can find a teacher you might really connect with somewhere, or just want to get out of Instanbul for a while.

My second answer is I have no idea, since I hardly ever leave my house. Why not ask the author of the wonderful book In Other Rooms, Other Wonders, Daniyal Mueenuddin? I bet he would know. Here's his email: inotherrooms@gmail.com

Jan 13, 2010; Trixie Yogurtson. Asks:

Who is your favorite music artist these days? Genre? Album? Band?

Stacey answers:

I like super-pop music, especially anything with a lot of clapping and/or cowbells that you could cheerlead to, such as "Sour Cherry" by the Kills, or even "Play that Funky Music" by Wild Cherry. I always love the vocal music of the past; Julie London is still a big favorite. Lately I've been listening to a Miles Davis Pandora station, which is practically Muzak. It plays softly in the background and gives my home a shopping mall atmosphere. I really like "I Decided" by Solange Knowles. She is pretty.

Jan 10, 2010; friend Asks:

How long is 6 months? Is there a way to make time go by faster?

Stacey answers:

Six months is a medium-long time, my friend, and the length of time it is varies by how old you are. If you're three years old, six months is a very, very, very long time. If you're 103 years old, it's also a very long time, but in a totally different way. If you're, say, 24 years old, it's an amount of time that will seem long while it's happening, maybe even long enough to change your life (school, religion, romance, friends), but when it's over, it will seem like a short time. It's a short amount of time for any big project, such as writing a novel or growing out your bangs.

Yes, there are some ways to make time go by faster. One way is to have a really good time or to be really happy. If there's an activity you enjoy, like knitting legwarmers, it might help time progress. Sometimes sleeping a lot helps on the day-by-day level. Moving or traveling tends to make time speed up a little, even if you're a miserable traveler. Being in a coma probably erases time, but I don't think anyone is certain about that. There are a lot of interesting passages on this subject in Joseph Heller's great novel, Catch 22. Reading great books also helps time speed by.

But in the end, friend, time passes quickly enough. I don't know what happens in six months, but there's a lot to see on the way. You might be as surprised or excited or pleased by the glitter in the interim as you are by the fireworks at the end.

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