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Q and A

Jan 23, 2008; Troop Misleader Asks:

Were you ever a girl scout? How about a brownie or a daisy? What are your thoughts on scouting?

Stacey answers:

I was a Bluebird, which is the antecedent to a Campfire Girl. Then I attended a "flying up" ceremony that marked my ascension to the Campfire Girls; I found this nighttime ritual so terrifying, so witchy and strange, that I had to drop out of scouting completely.

This has nothing to do with my experience as a Bluebird, but I am against scouting. I know this sounds eccentric, but I really am. There was a reason why the Soviets loved the Young Pioneers: if you want to indoctrinate a country into an absurd and illogical system of totalitarian thought, and train its citizenry to love a wicked, wicked leader, it's imperative to start early. One of the reasons Stalin killed so many people (well, no one really knows why) was to weed out the influence of those who'd been raised before Soviet times and replace them with people who had grown up in the Pioneers and the Komsomol, which were essentially scouting organizations that indoctrinated young people with a bizarre utopian philosophy that had no basis in the real world. How do you indoctrinate people if the ideas are so crazy? Start them young! I know the scouts here are not run by the government, and I know they do good things. Yet I think it's a mistake to put children into military-style uniforms and teach them a system of thought. Any system of thought.

Jan 20, 2008; Liam (As Seen On Myspace) Asks:

This should be fun: What belief do you hold that would alienate you from society the most?
Or, more to the point, is there anything controversial that you believe that would piss people off if you admitted to it? And what is this thing you believe?
OR, even more to the point, please hurt your career right now just to amuse me by calling me on my gambit.
For your consideration, here are some examples of Unpopular Beliefs/Positions: Literature is only for smart people; Men are inherently smarter than women; All puppies should be drowned; Barack Obama is just "too black"; New Orleans had it coming; The human race began when something happened with an evil alien named Xenu, and we're like all filled with alien-ghosts or something; Catherine Zeta Jones is, in fact, not attractive; Jelly is for queers; The only good otolaryngological surgeon is a DEAD otolaryngological surgeon; Hitler's mustache was actually quite fetching; Female circumcision: something to think about; etc.

Well, have some fun with this query, Stacey. I await your response with bated breath.

Your loyal acolyte,
Liam

Stacey answers:

I find that question oddly flattering, Liam. Thank you for being interested in my insanity and insanity in general. I think that my crazy beliefs are being spawned and reabsorbed on a minute by minute basis. Here are some current ones:

1. That whole health thing about drinking lots of water all the time is bullshit.

2. Any amount of sugar is bad for you. It's so good, I know! And yet it is poison.

3. Each and every customer service representative is a robot.

4. Tom Cruise is hot.

Jan 14, 2008; Wag Asks:

Olives are cured in brine, much in the same way as pickles. I cured some olives from the trees by my condo in Tucson and they came out really tasty. Sorry to hear about your bezoar. Not to make light of your medical condition, but have you named it? I think Balthazar would be a good name for it. And to me LARPing sounds like some sort of euphemism-- like FARKing or something.

Stacey answers:

I love all those worlds like farking and frickin'. They can be used in polite company when you want to be just a little bad. I, too, have an olive tree outside my door but all the recipes I've heard about for curing olives involve an old Italian man, rocks, herbs, and bags and bags of salt. I have access to all the ingredients except for the old Italian man.

Jan 07, 2008; Caddywhumpus Asks:

How do you feel about pickles? And LARPing?

Stacey answers:

I like pickles, Caddywhumpus, though I do feel a little ambivalent about any food that I cannot--or at least have not--made in my own kitchen. Are they, what, cooked? Canned? Brined? Marinated? Are olives cooked? Is an olive a pickle? And, like most food, I am forbidden to eat pickles at the moment because I have a bezoar (which I would like to nominate as one of the all-time great Google image searches).

LARPing is just like jousting at the Renaissance fair, right? Or a Civil War reenactment thing with funny little guys in clothes they made themselves? I love it. Of course it's more nerdy than masking tape on Coke bottle glasses, but what could be sweeter than people dressing up and hurling themselves into imaginary worlds? That's my favorite thing to do. I just do it at home by myself.

Jan 06, 2008; Dan Asks:

Does your agent research journals and submit stories for you, or are you on your own when it comes to lit journal publication? Thanks!

Stacey answers:

My agent submits things to journals for me, at least the ones that pay money. I also submit things on my own, usually when an editor asks me for something.

You're welcome!

Jan 01, 2008; grape popsicle Asks:

I'm not sure about the title of your last book. Do you really like the title Twin Study?

Stacey answers:

Maybe it's a little bland but I couldn't think of anything better. However, I did receive an intriguing note from my mother recently, which made me fall in love with the title What Is It: Photobucket Photobucket

Dec 28, 2007; Wag Asks:

Do you remember that New Years when you gave me a field sobriety test before you'd let me drive? Also, I'm in Tucson, can I buy you a cup of coffee or perhaps, tea?

Stacey answers:

Is that true? I have no recollection of that whatsoever. How deeply caring I am.

Dec 25, 2007; Pickles Asks:

Your Question: Have you forgotten that the Good Lord done revealed himself through dozens of works of driving music made and released in the U.S.A. in the Nineteen Seventies? Get thee ahold of any or all of the first six or so ZZ Top lps (1977's "Tejas" is the heavy favorite)and let their tuneful odes to the timeless pleasures of prostitutes and drunk driving make your next car trip a winner!! Or, if it's gotta be opera, I would recommend that hot Russian chick. She's really good. And hot.

Stacey answers:

Pickles, Pickles, Pickles. I know. I do. There's something about Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" that makes me feel like the coolest human alive, even when I'm performing the quintessentially uncool activity of riding a stationary bike in the YMCA basement. But it only lasts a few minutes and then I would like it to be quiet again. Music makes me feel like I'm having other people's emotions, and frankly, just having my own emotions is trying enough. They change from moment to moment and are impossible to predict. Add to that some chick singing about her broken heart and I just want to unscrew my head and put it in a Samadhi flotation tank. Because I am very sensitive, like a little, little flower.

But I will try the ZZ Top, because every time I hear "Sharp Dressed Man" I think: That is is so true. Those wise men are correct. Every girl is crazy about a sharp dressed man.

Dec 23, 2007; Velvet Asks:

What do you want for Christmas?

Stacey answers:

An electric scooter. Photobucket

Dec 17, 2007; Liam (aka Liam From MySpace) Asks:

Anything else?

Stacey answers:

Yeah. It's too easy, but how about: Santa's suicide note.

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