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Q and A

Mar 11, 2007; quixola Asks:

Skeleton goes into a bar... orders a beer and a mop.

Stacey answers:

That's a sad story.

Mar 11, 2007; bastard son of liarpants' longlost mother Asks:

If a dog eats asparagus, does it make their pee smell like asparagus?

Stacey answers:

I don't know.

Mar 10, 2007; Sock Loser Asks:

Stacey, are you one of those people who think lost socks go into another dimension? Maybe its called Lost Sock World. You should write a story about it! I�m wondering because I just did laundry and I swear that I put in a pair of orange socks but only one came out. They were my favorites, and now my day is ruined.

Stacey answers:

Loser, I'm sorry to hear about your sock. I don't think it's entered an alternative universe. I think it's probably stuck to something or else shoved under the dryer.

Mar 10, 2007; pp_spray Asks:

Do I have to go to school? I think its stoopid. PS I think your stoopid too.

Stacey answers:

Yes.

Mar 10, 2007; Bastard Son of Liarpants Asks:

Ms. Richter, a lovely lady who pretended she was young gave me a book to read...A Prayer for Owen Meany, written by John Irving. She wants me to read it. I tried but frankly i don't care about any fiction but yours. Am I missing out on a really great book or is it dated and dullardish? Should I slog through this book? P.S. If i read it I might get laid.

Stacey answers:

Bastard Son of Liarpants, I sense a fear of commitment. Why don't you give the Irving 100 pages and see if you can get into it? Then if you don't like it you can throw it across the room. P.S. The fact that it might get you laid makes it intrinsically interesting. I just want to say: go for it!

Mar 10, 2007; INVADED Asks:

These ants are flying all over the group home where I work. What in tarnation? Are they termites? The exterminator can't come until Monday.

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Stacey answers:

INVADED, that's a carpenter ant. They live in moist, rotting wood and are very common. In the spring, the main colony sends out its extra fellows in order to form a satellite colony, which is probably what has happened in your workplace. Carpenter ants eat sugar and other bugs, but they nest in wood, chewing out hollows known as galleries. Isn't that lovely? Your chic little ants live in galleries. Perhaps they stroll through them, sipping white wine and making snide comments.

Mar 07, 2007; notastalkeriswear Asks:

Dear Stacey, Why aren't you appreciated for the genius that you are? Why would anyone bother to read the Bible when your books are readily available at local bookstores and libraries? Why is your immense talent so intimidating that I cower and cry after finishing one of your short stories?

Stacey answers:

Hi notastalkeriswear. Please be careful. If you cry and cower after reading one of my short stories, I'm afraid that your brain will explode if I ever succeed in publishing a novel. I don't want to hurt you. But I will if I have to.

Mar 04, 2007; Wagggggg Asks:

Dear Stacey, I've never seen a hummingbird moth in my yard, but I'd like to be ready for the day one shows up. Do you know if there's a special hummingbird moth feeder I could/should put up?

Stacey answers:

Dear Wagggggg, They seem to like wildflowers. I saw one once and it was visiting the desert lupine in my yard. It totally blew my mind.

Mar 04, 2007; liarpants in the year 2000 Asks:

Ms. Richter, have you ever had the fishflake soup at a malaysian restaurant? I recommend it if you want to reaffirm your mortality. It was a noxious odor not unlike 2 cylinders of fish food soaking with Kim Chee in a festering chamberpot of piss. I ate half a bowl. I was a brave, yet tender child struggling too eat with one hand, which doesn't sound to difficult...but i was akwardly balanced due to pinching my nose shut with the other. I suppose that isn't a real question...maybe what I really wanted to say was I adore you. Wait that wasn't a question either. oops.

Stacey answers:

Liarpants, I think you are very brave. I'm impressed by your eating adventure. I've never had fishflake soup and lately I can't even look at fish skin without wanting to become a vegetarian, so I don't think I ever will. I will consider your question a warning.

Mar 03, 2007; OfficeWorker Asks:

Hi Stacey - Last week, I was in at a business mixer with a bunch of attorneys, and one of them said real loud in front of everyone that he'd never slept with me... which was true, but you know, the way he said it was like an obviously fake denial. It seemed really inappropriate! Do you think he was flirting?

Stacey answers:

Hi OfficeWorker,

He's a jerk. Men sometimes flirt by being mean or rude, particularly in the presence of their frat buddies, but that's no excuse. Real flirting, without malice, is not so hard to pull off. "Great shoes." Is that so difficult? No.

Next time, don't miss your chance to destroy him with a comeback! Lean in backward and toss it off over your shoulder, like Jack Nicholson: "Well, we tried to do it, but his belly got in the way." Also, any sentence that uses the phrase "too small" is likely to crush a swaggering attorney.

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