Jon the songwriter! Yes it was. Thank you for letting me eat your hummus.

You, Julia Grace, rock as well, and your paper sounds good even though I can't remember what Barthes said anymore. Didn't he like Japan? More boys should be named Roland. Here's what I have to say about irony: it can seem subversive, intelligent, obvious, or cutting, but really in the end, it's simply impossible to avoid. Try it. Good luck. We live in a world where there is no one thing we all believe in. Irony is inevitable. Amen.

No, you haven't wasted your time! Sea creatures are awesome, and liking one thing is better than liking nothing at all--which describes some people when they were fresh from college like me. Another awesome thing is that the job market is in the crapper! All entry-level jobs inherently suck anyway so it's not like there ever would've been some fantastic job-plum just waiting for you to pick it. A shitty job market gives you time to think about what you want to do, rather than just going with what will make you a good income quickly-ish--there's nothing like that now! So you don't have to have the "should I go to law school?" dialogue. Lawyering's over!

Honestly Diego, there's nothing wrong with trying things, flailing, failing, succeeding, and changing your mind. I know how important getting everything all figured out seems to you now, but personally I wish I hadn't wasted my twenties worrying about what I was going to be or do with myself as though every month of my life was somehow being chiseled in granite. It made me unhappy, it didn't help, no one cared (except my parents), and I had to figure some things out, like the not-liking anything. When I graduated from college, the economy was also very bad. Very few of my friends could find real jobs; most had internships and waited tables and stuff like that. And they were all worried. And now they're all totally doing interesting, grown-up, impressive, satisfying things. I think the bad economy actually helped in the end.

I think it's neat.

I've been having them too. The first thing to try, which I haven't tried yet, is cutting out any insane, concentrated, large sources of caffeine, like those big guarana capsules I keep swallowing in the afternoon. So stop that, you. Then try taking 5-HTP at night with half a Benadryl (or a whole one, or none). Amazon has 99 cent hypnosis MP3's you can listen to as you're falling asleep. I like Gail P. Borden's "Sleep Deeply," though I think it has some annoying New Age music in the background. It kind of works the best if you don't think it's going to work and don't really listen while it plays. Having a purring cat on top of you can be extremely soothing; pretending you have one on top of you can help too. Don't underestimate the power of washing your sheets.

Or you could just go with it. After all, your subconscious is you, it's you, it is you; it's not a marauder or a Visigoth. Something is camped out in your mind right now, something dark or denied or unfinished or scary--why not take a look and see what you think? There's a lot to be said for not being divided from yourself, for letting the bad stuff speak. It's kind of great that you're having your dark dreams around Halloween, the one time when images of all our mean, bad, bloodthirsty, and angry desires become socially acceptable. Don't you kind of want to know about the apocalypse inside you, the gore? What's ending in your life right now, what's wounded?

The only hitch is that you have to write down your dreams. Otherwise they wash away with the day. And when you write them down, they begin to change--in fact, writing down your nightmares might stop them. If you're looking for a reading list (and I know you are) the most intelligent thinker about our inner shitty side was Carl Jung. He's sort of unreadable though so I recommend the books Owning Your Own Shadow and Inner Work by the Jungian analyst Robert A. Johnson. He's pretty dry but he's clear and his books are short. (One caveat: he's sort of a drama queen, and warns his readers to use caution lest they have a psychotic break, so powerful is the shadow within them--just ignore that. It's a legacy of Jung, who had a great imagination but went a little woo woo with the ghosts and extraterrestrials).

As for lucid dreaming, I don't think that's going to get the puppies back. Lucid dreams are cool but scary. I only had one, once, with the aid of a Lexapro. I was in charge but I also sort of wasn't--it's a dream! I flew around over San Francisco, Superman-style, then ended up in school (I go to school every night, college usually, though this was grade school) where I flew through the halls yelling "School's out for summer." The air was full of beautiful fish.

No, but I dreamed I started watching Mad Men and had to turn off the TV very quickly in order not to see Don Draper looking at himself in the mirror saying, "Who am I?"

No, there's no way. You're totally going to crush her and probably get yourself kicked out. I keep seeing a white stucco apartment complex, ski-lodge beams, a pool full of rotten leaves--a Brady Bunch purgatory. How did that end up in Maine? Maybe you're not really in Maine. Maybe you're kind of a liar, MUIM, if not literally then on the inside to your own self. Because you have to have a clue, a little clue-voice piping inside you, cheep, cheep it says, and also: This doesn't feel right! and Holy shit, what if this situation were reversed? and maybe even I fucking love her (though I don't know which chick gets your love, and God have mercy on her soul). Marriage is hard, open marriages are hard, and changing your regular marriage to an open one is really fucking hard. I'm going to go with a plumbing metaphor: if you're going to put that much pressure on a system, it better have strong pipes to start with. Otherwise there's going to be shit everywhere.

MUIM, dude, you've never said you love your wife; even after I admonished you for your coldness you didn't say it, and if you don't love her, why would she let you do whatever you want? What's in it for her? Are you doing anything to make her happy? Or are you just hoping she'll be a nice mommy to her little bad boy and let you skip school if you ask her real nice? Stop it, just stop. You're not a prince, your shit is not golden, and you are not going to get whatever you want because of the delightful fact that you exist. If you want a lot from your wife--to change the rules, to have a girlfriend, to have her be happy for you in your private life, which is separate from her--then you better be a great man for her. You better give and give to her, and give up things for her, and then give some more. It should be difficult, and painful, and change you. Then you'll be in a position to ask her to change for you.

To put it in concrete terms: if you want to keep your girlfriend and get your wife's retroactive blessing, then you're doomed, selfish, and an emotional idiot. I'm sure it's not your fault and that you'll feel pain eventually, blah blah blah, but it still makes me want to hit you really hard on the head with a piece of PVC pipe (from your broken plumbing) while screaming, "What's wrong with you?" over and over. Because, you know, what's wrong with you? This fantasy that your wife will go along with your all of your wishes is either laughable (because you're so clueless) or truly sad (because she may be in a position, emotionally and financially, where she feels she has no choice, even if she hates your guts).

On the other hand, if you're really serious about simply being a non-monogamous person in your journey of life, I'll stop hitting you over the head. Fine, good, you go you avant hippie art-boy. Monogamy is for accountants and bankers and this is what you need to do: give up your girlfriend, permanently and for real. Let six months go by. In that six months, try to be a mensch, which is Jewish for a good man. Listen to your wife when she talks and look in her eyes. Don't fake-listen, listen listen, like you did when you were dating and you didn't already know what she was going to say before she said it. Do what she asks you. Be a good daddy but makes things be about her too. Help her before she asks. Tell her she looks beautiful. Try to love her. Stop rating her in bed and start trying to make the moves she thinks are hot. I don't care if you have to meow like a kitten and lick her ankles, it's not going to kill you, so do it. In fact, meow like a kitten and lick her ankles. Be nice, be funny, pay attention to her. Keep at it for six months (just don't start it all at once or she'll wonder what's up).

Only then, after you've built a foundation of good feelings, can you launch into The Talk. This is when you tell her how much she means to you, how much you love her, and how your life would be meaningless without her, meaningless, empty, and bleak. However, you don't think you're built for total monogamy. You're afraid you're too much of a low, horny bastard to be monogamous forever, and you are a shithead for not telling her that BEFORE you got married. You didn't know before you got married, but now you do, ergo you are a shithead. Keep saying the word shithead. Then say you need to ASK HER if she thinks your wonderful bond could withstand a little meaningless sex on the side, for recreation, discretely, now and then, hardly ever, but not in total betrayal and secrecy because that makes you feel like a hoarded piece of moldy cat shit.

If I were her, I would instantly reply, "Why, is there someone else?" To which you will reply, "No, but there was." Don't lie, she may not have caught you so far but she'll catch you then. Also, for some reason you want to tell her the truth, so tell her. Then you will look at her and wait. You will answer her questions truthfully. And since you are a mensch who understands that a relationship involves two people, you will honor her wishes.

So basically, you have to cut out your heart and put it in her hands. She might say no, she might say yes, but you need to let her decide. Otherwise, you're just another asshole. Sorry, but you asked.

No Gravy, I haven't heard of Stacy Sutherland and I don't remember you. In fact, I'm pretty sure we've never met, though it's hard to know since all I've got to go on is a parking lot, a beverage, and that fact that you're a pussy (I know because lesbians scare you and you won't tell me your name). Also, assuming you're male, the use of the word "palimpsest" suggests that you don't live in Tucson (sorry fellow Tucsonans). So no.

I'm still working on the meaning part of your question...I need a snack for that.

You're welcome. Thanks for trusting me with such a difficult question.

Hi Tom. Here's the thing about clothes, youth, and judgement calls: since you're not a 22 year-old pop star, the simple fact that you think clogs are cool means that teenagers will find them extremely not cool. As I'm sure you know, opinions expressed in short stories are not necessarily those of the author. I actually like clogs. They're so geeky that they wrap around the corner and become cool again. I hope you introduce them to your summer wardrobe because they look especially great when worn with shorts or swimsuits.